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IF YOU HAVE BOTH BIOLOGICAL AND ADOPTED CHILDREN

     Were you real happy when the lady called you to come and get me?, asked our four year old who was not adopted. It was a story he had heard many times as we talked with his older brothers and sister about all the excitement we experienced when they became a part of our family. These were stories the children all loved to hear, and our little fellow just assumed he had joined us the same way. After I had explained simply that he had grown inside of Mommy until he was big enough to be born, his thoughtful comment was, Oh . . . well it's a good thing I came out because if I just kept growing, I would have broke your head.

     Some time later we heard him in the midst of an argument with the other children, tease them with the remark, I'm the only kid that Mommy growed. It is tempting when we hear such comments to immediately get into the children's argument and begin to assure everyone the method of their arrival makes no difference to us. But our experience has taught us that usually children can better handle their arguments without adult interference. In this case the simple response was, So what? But there have been other times when the children have wanted to be assured that how much we love them does not depend upon the way they came to us. This has usually come in the form of a wish. I wish I was born from you.

     Does it make a difference? Will you be able to love your adopted children as you love children who were born to you? Sometimes. Sometimes not. How you relate to each of your children depends upon so many different factors. Perhaps you enjoy your quiet, contented child more than the boisterous one, or it may be the other way around. Each parent may react differently toward each of the children. Some people delight in a child's academic achievements. Some are happier with a child who shows athletic skills. And your choices will probably change throughout the years. Even day by day you may find that one child feels like your favorite one day and the next day it may be another. Some days you will have all you can do to like any of them.

     Everything that happens between people has something to do with the way they relate to each other and certainly the carrying of a child and giving birth to him or her has something important to do with that relationship. It is a source of pride and personal fulfillment. It would be sad to deny this in an effort to make everything equal for all your children. Our personal feeling after having experienced the miracle of birth was to wish ever so strongly that we had been able to give birth to all our children. And that is precisely what we have told them.

     The older the children get, the more the relationships depend upon the behavior of the people involved and on the growing personalities. None of us has to choose among our children. They are all different and need different things from us.

     Is our love for all of our children the same? It is not. Do we love them all as our children? Absolutely! We share our hopes, our fears, our problems, our plans, and our concerns about each other's happiness. Those are the things that make us a family.