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IF YOU ARE SINGLE

     My apologies to all those single people who choose to have a family by adoption. So far I have addressed myself to parents as if they were all couples. Most of them are, and it would have been awkward to address them any other way. But there are numerous children who fare better with a single parent. Some children, because of earlier experiences, may find it much easier to relate to just one adult. There are also many teenagers who can especially profit from such an arrangement. In most agencies when applications were first accepted from single persons, it was with the idea that only if a couple could not be found for a particular child, would the single applicant be considered. But it was soon learned that most of these placements worked out far more successfully than had been anticipated. If you are single and have tried unsuccessfully to adopt in the past, now may be the time to try again. More and more agencies are opening their doors to the single parents as experience proves that for many children, placement with a single parent is the plan of choice.

     I recall with great pleasure the placement of three year old twin girls with a single parent. Why would an agency arrange such a placement where there are so many couples who would be willing to adopt children this age. These children had been abruptly abandoned by their biological parents. They had then lived briefly with two other families, neither of whom felt they could handle both children. In their very young lives they had already experienced so much rejection. They were badly hurt and confused, and this showed itself in very perverse behavior. Ordinary family arguments frightened them. Certainly they had learned no reason to trust adults.

     Their problems were such that they could not at this point, and probably not for a long time, tolerate the normal conflicts that exist in any family. Their need was for someone who could cater to them and not to the needs of another adult. Freed from some of the conflicts involved in relating to a number of family members, these youngsters have been able to blossom and begin to understand what has happened to them. Because of this freedom they are able to gain enough stability so that eventually they can handle future, more complex relationships.

     Most of the problems facing single adoptive parents will be those same problems facing other adoptive parents. Primarily they must provide good parenting and they must help the children resolve the adoption dilemma. In addition, they face the added difficulties of rearing children alone. Most who have done this successfully are people who are close to their families and/or many friends who can be a source of support to them. A number of the Councils of Adoptive Parents have special sub-groups for single parents, and this has been very helpful to many. Most cities also have chapters of Parents Without Partners.

     It is especially important that the single parent not invest his or her entire life in a child. Parenthood is a rigorous job, but it should not take all of anybody's time. Parents must have other interests. Otherwise, we would be placing upon children the impossible burden of being responsible for fulfilling all of our needs.

     Most of the single parents I have met have been mature, practical, fun-loving people who are providing good homes for children who need them. There are many other children waiting for such homes.