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THE SEARCH

     Perhaps nothing strikes more terror in the heart of many adoptive parents than the question of 'The Search'. Are we to be only glorified baby sitters? Are we to devote all of our time, our energy and our love to children only to have them grow up and seek out 'strangers' to be their parents? Surely if we provide a happy, loving, secure home, they will feel no need to seek out their biological parents! Most of us have at one time or another shared some of this fear. It might serve us well to consider what the likelihood is that our children will undertake the search, and if they did, what it might mean in regard to our relationship.

     For a long time it was a rather generally held view that only the disturbed and/or unhappy adopted persons would want to try to find their biological parents. Although I have talked with a good number of adopted persons who have returned to the agency for more information about themselves, seldom has anyone asked for identifying information or told me they actually planned to seek out their birth parents. But I am sure that there are some who did not do so, because they were certain that under existing circumstance, I could not give them that information.

     A few years ago Florence Fisher, author of the compelling book The Search for Anna Fisher placed the following ad in a newspaper.

Adult who was an adopted child desires contact with other adoptees to exchange views on adoptive situation and for mutual assistance in search for natural parents.

     She tells that she received thousands of letters from all over the country. Letters expressing the same hunger to know. Letters came from those who felt their lives had been good, but still felt there was a void that they desperately wanted to fill. As a result of the response, a number of the adoptees got together and formed an organization called ALMA (Adoptees Liberty Movement Association). Their slogan: The truth of his origin is the birthright of every man.

     In most states of the United States adoption records are sealed and can be opened only for reasons which the courts determine are serious enough to warrant doing so. It is one of ALMA's principal goals to have records opened to any adopted person over eighteen who wants to see them, for any reason whatsoever. It is the belief of the members that it is their civil right to be told the particulars of their birth.

     Many adoptees who have wanted to seek out detailed information about their birth parents or who have tried to find them, have waited until after the death of the adoptive parents. Such is their fear of hurting them. How fair is this? What would really happen to all of us if the children did, indeed, locate their first parents? If we consider children's need to work out the adoption dilemma, to actually know their birth parents would probably free them more than anything else.

     Will our children undertake 'the search'? We do not know. If they decide to try, will we be afraid? I think we may well be, despite our conviction that they have the right to do so. The results are so uncertain. Will they find what they are looking for? Will they be hurt? I suspect we are not the only ones who will be afraid; the children probably will be too. But if that is what they need and/or want to do, I hope we will have the courage to help see them through it, to let them know we are confident they will be able to handle themselves well.

     Will we lose our children? In some ways, of course. When we chose to become parents, we, along with all other parents, took on one of life's most difficult roles. We have had to build a very close relationship, the object of which is to 'let go'. When our children become adults, they will no longer need the same kind of parenting which they need as children. Hopefully by then, we will have earned their love and respect, but if we have been successful as parents, then they should no longer 'need' us.

     I have already shared with you the fact that we like to think of all of our children as 'our own'. Perhaps it would behoove all of us to recognize instead that they are none of them 'our own'. Each is his own person with a right to make what he wants of himself and his life. As parents we do what we can to free children enough so they can make that life worthwhile.

     That is the ultimate challenge of parenthood.

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