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Want to send this book to someone? Click here for easy online ordering. Previous Chapter Next Chapter Table of Contents "WILL YOU TAKE THIS CHILD ... ?"
When the agency has a child to present to you, you will be invited to discuss the background information. Remember that acceptance of children includes acceptance of their background; all of it, both the pleasant and the unpleasant. You do not need to give an answer immediately upon hearing about a child. Take time to digest the information and to examine your reactions. Remember that you are someday going to have to help the child understand why he or she needed to be separated from those who gave them birth. Can you help a child ask questions and talk about his feelings, without making him feel that you consider yourself superior to those who gave him life? At this point you will not be discussing theoretical situations. You will be talking about a real child who may become yours. If you are comfortable about the background, you will convey this to the child in a myriad of ways. If you are disgusted by it, your child will feel it and come to feel uncomfortable about himself. Social workers are human beings too. Sometimes in their efforts to make certain that a couple can accept a difficult or unpleasant background, they may overemphasize this and neglect to tell you some of the positive facets of the personalities and talents of the birth parents. Be prepared to ask questions that will elicit this information too. In what ways did the parents show concern for the child? What were they able to do before separation became necessary. Did they in any way express their hopes for the child? What talents did they demonstrate. Try to get a picture of them as real live people. But what if the picture is truly sordid? What if a child has been seriously abused and no one who has any information on the biological parents has anything good to say? A common reaction is to say, These people are sick. If you should be faced with such a situation, consider the tenor with which you find yourself making such a statement. It can be felt with disgust, with pity, or with true compassion. Only compassion will do. It is not necessary to justify undesirable behavior. It is necessary to feel some empathy for parents whose problems are so severe that they are unable to take on the ordinary responsibilities and give children the love and care they need to grow. It is important that you not be thinking in terms of the compassion you 'should have'. None of us are always what we 'should' be. Most of us find that there are some things we can accept and others that we simply cannot. If you are not comfortable with what you learn about a child, now is the time to say, 'no'. No one will be hurt. Children will be better off with parents who can accept them totally. You may learn more about yourself and what kind of child you can accept. If you need more time or information, do not hesitate to ask for it. If and when you are more comfortable with what you know about a child and you want to proceed with adoption planning, arrangements will be made to begin visiting. At this point you should feel seriously committed to the idea of making the placement work. While it is always possible that visiting may make it evident that there are too many stumbling blocks for this particular placement to work, this is not very likely. At any rate, visiting should not begin with the idea of 'looking a child over'. Hopefully visiting will serve as a means of getting to know each other and for preparing both of you and the child for the eventual placement. Will you take this child . . . for life?
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