Once at an agency board meeting I was excitedly telling about some of our placements of older children. 0h my heavens, said one of the members. We have a twelve year old son, and if someone suddenly just put him into our home, I don't know whether we could possibly stand him. What she meant, of course, was they were able to take much of his childish (substitute, if you will, 'obnoxious') behavior because he was theirs, because they had learned to love him over the years. And because they loved him, they willingly accepted all that is involved in helping the child grow up.

     Parents who adopt older children do not have that luxury. Somehow they must learn to get along with a child before there is enough love to make exasperating behavior tolerable. Love comes slowly, but if you wait for love to develop before you get some order into your home, you will soon find yourself climbing the walls, and chances for the placement to become successful will be greatly lessened.

     It is of the utmost importance that order be established in the home from the beginning. It will be tempting to try to avoid this. It is a very natural reaction to begin by avoiding anything as unpleasant as setting rules and limits, to try doing only 'fun' things and not presenting a picture of yourself as a 'meany'. But if you do, you will certainly regret it and you will be doing your child no favor. Children need to know where they stand, what is acceptable and what is not. Your rules should be simple, clear and - hopefully - few in number.

     Be prepared for chaos! If you have a picture of family life that resembles that of those 'perfect' families in T.V. domestic comedies, be prepared for shock. Problems cannot all be solved in half hour segments. Day to day living with children just does not run that smoothly. All children try to test limits; children who have suffered broken ties and who now have to try to figure out just what this new relationship can be, are apt to test even further. In my work with families I have been struck by how common some of the difficult problems are. If you have little experience with children, some of them will come as real 'shockers'.

     Some of the behavior is frightening and it is easy to wonder if such behavior is the result of a 'bad inheritance' or amoral training. Actually most of it is a common part of growing up. Not many parents like to admit that their children lie, steal, cheat, use foul language, that they wet the bed, that they are messy and can be incredibly rude. But most children do these things at some time or other. Some need more help than others in learning to control their behavior, some need more time. Sometimes longstanding gross behavior problems may be a sign that a child is disturbed and in need of professional help, but more likely than not, most of these problems can be more simply handled. At least the more simple methods should be tried first.

     Let us consider some of the problems which parents seem to find most frustrating. As we discuss each of them, try to keep three little words in mind: 'KEEP IT SIMPLE!'.

     One of the most common problems is bedwetting. We can get very involved in theories as to why a child wets, what programs we can use to change this behavior, whether we should use rewards and/or punishments. Those parents who have the least trouble with the problem seem to be those who merely tell children they are sorry they have this problem, they know it will pass in time. Until it does, they are to change their own sheets. If they are not old enough to do this, they may be old enough to at least remove the wet sheets and take them to the laundry area (Even very little tykes can do that.). The more you stay out of the matter, the better it will be for all concerned.

      Assuming a child is physically in good health, we can also assume that when he is able to stay dry, he will do so. In the meantime there is very little sense in wasting time, effort, and energy in letting yourself become exasperated about this problem. Rest assured that your child wants the comfort of a dry bed as much as you do.

     Another problem which is far more devastating to parents and which is also far more common than is generally talked about is soiling. Because this is a problem which is so disturbing to parents, some children have learned to use it as a means of showing anger, or to 'work up' parents and see their reaction. If carried to an extreme this can be a sign of severe disturbance, but before jumping to that conclusion, it would be better to try the same approach we discussed regarding bed wetting. Try telling the child you are sorry he has this problem, you are sure he will get over it. In the meantime he is responsible for cleaning himself and for not offending others by this habit. Stay out of the problem as much as possible. If there is an element of attention getting in this behavior, your apparent lack of response is the best antidote.

     Lying. If you are sure your child is lying, there is no point in asking whether he or she is lying. Sometimes what seems like lying to an adult is merely the reflection of the way a child sees things. Some children with vivid imaginations have a difficult time separating fact from fantasy. In such cases you might talk these matters over with them. But if you are certain children are telling out and out lies, it would seem best to say simply that you know they are telling a lie, you do not like it and hope they will not do it again.

     Stealing. While almost every child tries stealing at least once, some take much longer to learn that this is not tolerable behavior. Some children who have lived in institutions or other settings where clothes and toys and other articles had to be shared by a number of other children, take longer to learn that they cannot just pick up and use things that belong to others. Again I must emphasize that the best way to handle this problem is to 'keep it simple'. Children must know that stolen articles must be returned, you do not like them taking things and you hope they will not do it again. If you are firm in your conviction, they will understand. Long lectures are not needed. With some children getting over stealing may take a long time. Sooner or later, if they are not allowed to keep things they take, they will learn it is not worth the trouble.

     Foul language. If you use foul language yourself, you will know where your child learned it. But if you do not, you may be quite surprised the first time you hear such words coming from your 'little angel'. Whether they learn them at school, at play, or at a neighbor's makes little difference. Most children will learn such words sooner or later and will try using them. Most soon find there is little that can more easily get a terrific reaction out of adults. And what a weapon that can become. I repeat, 'Keep it simple.'. Give a brief explanation that such words are not to be used in polite company and you hope the child won't use them again.

     Sex play. While today's attitude toward sex is somewhat more casual than in past years, most parents still find themselves much more upset than they thought they would be when they find their children involved in sex play. It is important to remember sexual play is a normal part of children's development and we should not do anything to make them feel there is something wrong with them because they are normally curious. Nevertheless, such behavior is not acceptable socially and you do not want other parents to refuse to let their children play with yours. Your best bet is to keep children reasonably busy and not to let them play unsupervised for long periods.

     Of all of children's behavior problems, perhaps none is more frightening than firesetting. Adults may call it fire setting; a child is more apt to think of it as 'playing with matches'. I have worked with a number of children who were fire setters and I never ceased to be amazed at the control they had over this activity. While I in no way want to minimize the dangers involved, I do want to emphasize the importance of not getting panic stricken the first time you find a child setting a fire. This is such a frightening thing that a child can become overwhelmed by the reaction of adults. Some children have learned to terrorize entire households by such behavior.

     The basic principles involved in dealing with behavior problems are the same regardless of the problem. Children need to know what behavior is expected of them and what is not acceptable. They need to know that you intend to help them achieve the necessary controls over their behavior. They need to know that they cannot use undesirable behavior to get you worked up.

     Keep it simple! Always try the simplest means first. It may save you many hours of heartache and headache. And it will make it possible for you to achieve enough serenity to love each other. This will not be accomplished in days, weeks, or months. It is a continual process ... a part of growing up.