If you should meet with a group of adoptive parents and start to tell them how easily your newly arrived child has fit into your family, they will more than likely warn you that the 'honeymoon' may soon be over. I have not met many adoptive parents unfamiliar with the use of the term.

     Because of what they have experienced, most older children who are placed for adoption are convinced they are 'bad' and they can expect to be rejected. They cannot yet understand that the problems which made their placement necessary were not of their own doing. They are very fearful of being rejected again. Some will, from the very beginning, behave so poorly it seems as if they are determined to find out quickly whether you really mean it when you say you want to be their parents forever. It is as if they are saying, If you are going to get rid of me too, let's get it over with right away. Other children are so fearful of being rejected that they put themselves on their very best behavior and cannot seem to do anything wrong. They do as they are told. They seem to be so happy. Their new parents frequently remark that it seems as if the children have always been members of the family. They cannot remember what life was like without each other.

     Such behavior is seen frequently in children who have had more than their share of responsibility. It is also seen in children who have been unable to face the anger we might expect them to feel in view of the things that have happened to them. Whatever the cause, you can probably count on the fact that as children become more comfortable and sure of their position in the household, their behavior will seem to deteriorate. The child who had previously been dry every night may suddenly begin to wet the bed. The very obedient youngster may, without apparent cause, become defiant. Your children may now decide where they came from was a lot better than 'this place', and make this known to you in no uncertain terms. Whatever the form, this 'testing' can be very exasperating, but it is apt to be less so if you are prepared. Recognize it for what it is, a sign the children now feel secure enough to dare to misbehave. They need the same help as any other children who are lacking in self-control. They are doing what the more brazen child did earlier. They are trying to find out where they stand and to make sure you intend to keep them despite their obvious faults.

     Of course, there is always the possibility you may be among those few families who never experience the havoc usually involved when new parents and older children learn to adjust to each other. If so, you are lucky indeed. But do not count on it! Children are children and they all need much help to become mature adults. Children who have been hurt repeatedly usually need even more. It is best to anticipate that sooner or later you will experience some stormy sessions.

     Regardless of the problems which appear, the best you can do is assure your children whatever the problem, this is the place it will be worked out. When I heard one adoptive mother tell her very troubled son, This is the end of the line, Joey. No more moves to another family. Whatever problems we have, we have to work them out together, I knew the placement would work. Joey knew it too.