The Nonsearcher

"Spare me, then, the histrionics! I feel sorry for those who are beset by imaginary monsters;please, however don't try to set them on those of us who are busy with the reality of living in the present." (p.75)

Those sentiments are probably very familiar to many of alt.adoption's citizens, as we've heard them many times. Other phrases that might ring bells are 'why disrupt all those lives?', 'why open up a can of worms?' 'why rock the boat?', or another quote from "Lost and Found", "I don't think there could be a more selfish quest than this." (p.75)

Kimberly Stone, (kimberly_stone@usa.pipeline.com) in an email to me, writes:

"I am frankly disgruntled with the dogmatic idea that all adoptees must search. I have delved deep in my heart, at both high and low times of my life, and tried to listen to whatever it is that feels something, good or bad, about adoption. The best understanding that I have of my own feelings is that I am at peace with who and what I am, and have no emotional needs to serve by searching for my birthparents....It simply is not something I need to do at this time in my life."

Just as there are theories about the reasons for searching, there are those about NOT searching. Lifton writes: "Nonsearchers, for all their sense of righteousness and loyalty, have always seemed to me self-denigrating. There is the implication that they don't have the right to rock their own boat, to open their own can of worms. They seem to accept that they don't have a right to their own heritage. We see such internalized guilt in them that even if their adoptive parents should sanction a search, it would be hard for them to follow through. It is as if they have a will not to know." (p. 75).

The Brodzinsky team is even more blunt. "A good many adoptees consider the stress of adoption to be something they cannot change and would be better off ignoring so they can get on with their lives. These people reveal little inner turmoil about being adopted; they have either suppressed or denied or minimized the significance of adoption in their own lives." And further, "Denial or avoidance....can be a highly adaptive strategy when an individual is faced with a stressor she cannot change, such as being adopted. In this view, an adoptee who can suppress, avoid, minimize, or deny the significance of being adopted....is able to compartmentalize this aspect of her identity and get on with her life." And finally, "This is simply a coping style, and for may people it works...at least until a phone call from a birth mother or the uncovering of a genetic illness makes denial no longer possible." (p.151)

Just as an explicit condemnation exists in LeShan's 'analysis' of searchers, Lifton and the Brodzinsky team seem to start with the assumption that there is a psychological reason or excuse for the gap between those who search and those who don't. (of course, that is their field) Implicit in the Brodzinsky conclusions is that nonsearchers are in denial, but at least they are 'getting on with their lives', unlike those who search. I submit that somewhere inbetween lies something that is closer to the truth, that the decision to search or not to search can be the result of several different factors, including several unknowns, and the influence of one's personality. Some searchers might be immature and grasping and some nonsearchers might be belligerent,in denial,and lacking in self-confidence, but the majority of us are none of these things. Of course, it is incumbent upon anyone looking at the issue of searching to recognize the impact that sealed records, secrecy, and the 'gratitude' factor have had in creating the swirling controversy, insults, doubts, and fears that are associated with 'the Search'.

The Adoptive Parents Factor

"I also feel it would hurt my adoptive parents, whom I adore and am very close to, and who adore me."

Leigh writes in her email:

"My aparents have always been willing to talk about it and answer my questions as best they could....although it was a closed adoption and they didn't have very much info. But they were willing to talk about adoption in general and feelings I might have because of it. I was not afraid to say that I was adopted to anyone, including reminding members of my afamily when they talked about genes and family trees. I was not angry then nor am I angry today

So, with that you might think that it was an easy thing to tell my parents that I was going to search...It was not. When I was 16 I made the announcement once in from of my agrandma that I planned to search when I turned 18. She asked "Why, we are your family, you don't need to go anywhere else."

So, I freaked. I was afraid to bring it up again. I did not want to replace my family. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty. I was worried about hurting them. At the time I did not have words to express the feelings I had and nor did I truly understand my own need to search. "

BJ Lifton quotes an unnamed woman in "Lost and Found";

"For years I couldn't decide whether to search or not because I wanted to wait until my adoptive parents died."

Quoting 'Trudy' in "Lost and Found"; "I am willing to sacrifice finding my biological mother rather than risk hurting my parents."(p.180) Underlying these sentiments is a fear of appearing ungrateful, and this is where the status of adoptee as a 'chosen' or 'saved' child can come back to haunt the entire family. Society at large has picked up on this gratitude theme and often uses it to beat unsuspecting adoptees over the head. I am sure that many of us have seen, or perhaps even written or said, some variation on this theme: "Who held you when you were sick, changed your diapers, kissed your boo-boos, fed you, clothed you....???" Of course, most of us bear some measure of gratitude towards our parents, but for the adoptee, the expectation hangs heaviest over the decision to search, as if that decision is in itself, a choosing, a taking of sides, a question of loyalty.

In "Being Adopted", Brodzinsky et al write:

"We know of searchers whose relationships with their adoptive parents have been poisoned because of the parents' resentment, anger and sense of betrayal. Bitter reactions from aparents usually don't stop adoptees from searching, they simply send the search underground, to be carried on without the knowledge of the individuals to whom the adoptee feels closest, his mother and father." (p.141)

But these instances of bitter feuding seem to be increasingly in the minority. Many searchers who were afraid to confront their adoptive parents with their search, find that often their parents react in very positive ways. Trudy, who Lifton earlier quoted as willing to sacrifice her search for the sake of her adoptive parents, continues:

"I had always discussed problems with my mother, so why not this problem? And my mother was delighted with the idea of my search. She called the agency to get background information for me, and even petitioned the court." (p. 181)

Leigh's experience also concludes on an up note:

"So with tear filled eyes I asked my aparents to sit down and talk with me. So serious. I can only image what was going through my poor amom's head. I said that I loved them and that I had something to tell them. I said that this is no way means that I do not love them or think that they are great parents...I still hadn't said what it was...I spit it out...I want to find my bfamily.

My amom looked at me and smiled and said.."We always knew you would. How can we help? We love you baby. We could never deny you this..it is part of you." We all cried. I get really choked up when I think about it today. My aparents are truly capable of unconditional love. My amom has never been threatened by my search. And she and my adad have been part of my reunion. They have welcomed my bmom and sisters like members of the family. And likewise my bmom has embraced them.

I am not the only one who has gained from this experience. Everyone has new family in their lives."

As a search and support group leader, it has been my experience that most adoptive parents react much differently than the adoptee expects. Many are open to the idea of searching, and have been waiting for the adoptee to mention it. Others are hostile to the idea, but it is usually out of an initial fear or insecurity and a lack of information about what it means for an adoptee to search. Many adoptive parents still believe that adoptees will not need to search if they are brought up in a loving home. This is particularly true of adoptive parents who are themselves adoptees who did not search. Faced with a searching child may therefore bring up feelings of inadequacy on their part, as if they weren't 'enough'. They may feel rejected. To this end, it can be very positive for an adoptee, regardless of how his parents react, to present his aparents with reading material that explains the search (please see previous posts for detailed information on the FAQ's, recommended books and other sources), or to even write a letter detailing his own feelings. These should not be presented as a substitute for a heart-to-heart, but rather a supplement, or even a lead-in, depending on which makes the adoptee more comfortable. It is a good idea to remember that, as with any sensitive issue, you should be considerate of the other person, and try to understand their point of view.

At the same time, there is only so much that you can do to make your adoptive parents comfortable with your decision. You cannot be held responsible, or 'to blame' for their ultimate acceptance or rejection of your decision to search, but there are things that you can do to make it easier for them to understand, and thus make the process easier on you.

Continue to part three of Making the Decision to Search

This post was authored by Shea Grimm except where otherwise indicated. It may be copied and distributed freely, in whole or part, as long as it is not sold, and as long as this notice is kept intact.