ADOPTION
DILEMMA
Copyright © 1975, 1994, 2005 by VINCENETTE SCHEPPLER
WILL YOU TAKE THIS CHILD ... ? IF YOU HAVE BOTH ADOPTED AND BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN
INTRODUCTION
I think you should call the book Unfair. Yes, adoption is unfair! Kids tease you ... mean kids. They say you don't have any real parents. They are the same kids who call you ‘four eyes’. They just like to make you mad and then, when you get mad and beat them, they don't tease you anymore. But just the same, adoption is unfair. Yeah, well, you know, I just think about my real parents, who they are and I wonder where they live. I would like to know what they look like, what they do for a living. Mainly, who they are. It seems unfair not to know. Yes, they are unfair. Because they just left me there. I don't know why. I haven't the slightest idea. I don't know them and I might never know them, so how can I give them reasons? I can't imagine any reason. It seems very strange to me that anyone would give up a child. Maybe they couldn't afford one... but if you and Dad ran out of money, you would get a loan... I don't know. It's very puzzling. As a social worker with a good number of years experience in the field of adoption, I would be likely to advise parents who heard such comments from their children to listen carefully to what is really being said, to give the assurance the children need ... to really listen, not argue, give them ample opportunity to discuss their feelings. But these were not the words of a client's child; they are the words of my very own son. And what I want to say is, What do you mean your 'Real Parents'? I am your mother... your 'Real Mother'. But we both know what he means. Adoption does present a dilemma. And the successful resolution of that dilemma is what determines the success of every adoptive placement.Each time somebody new finds out, they sound like they think there is something wrong about being adopted. It makes me feel a little funny. Sometimes I think they are going to say something bad about it. When I told Diana, she said, ‘You are? I thought I was the only person in the world being adopted.’ She sounded like she felt bad about it. The only bad thing is you should at least be able to see your other Mom. If I could see her I would say, ‘Well, are you my other Mom, really?’ I would tell her that I have been wanting to meet her. It feels a little unfair that I haven't met her. I would ask her what it was like to have a baby and then not keep it. I think it would be sad, because I'd like to keep the baby ... because I like little kids. I love babies. . . . When David was little we used to exercise him and have a lot of fun. I think I'd like to take care of babies. It seems a tiny bit funny to me that she didn’t. I think she didn’t keep me because maybe she just didn’t know how to take care of a baby. Maybe she didn’t even have a husband. Maybe she was just a teenager and couldn’t keep me. It is a little hard to understand. I would ask her where she lived so I could visit her sometime. Maybe she would tell me why she didn't keep me. And these words from a bubbly little girl who had just finished telling me what a terrific Mom I am. We like to say that we have four natural children of our own, three of whom came to us by way of adoption. All parents want to feel that their children are their own, and we are not exceptions. Our day to day living is like that of other families. We are not constantly thinking about how the children arrived. Most of the time we are working, eating, sleeping, playing, bandaging little bruises. trying to cut down the noise. We laugh, we cry, we scream. We tell each other how much we love each other and when things get out of hand, we let each other know how disgusted we are. We are just a family. But we know too that bringing up children who are adopted presents some added difficulties. Difficulties do not imply impossibilities, but there are some facts that must be faced if we are to help our children handle the Adoption Dilemma. The essence of that dilemma is in the fact that every adopted child has two sets of parents. Every adopted child must somehow come to know them both and to settle for himself what his relationship is to be with each. This book represents an effort to help adoptive parents help their children deal with the Adoption Dilemma. It is dedicated to the Council of Adoptive Parents of Rochester, New York, whose concern for all children is exemplary. It is a composite of both my personal and professional experience. It is edited by my children.
BEFORE YOU ADOPT
My ‘real father' is my stepfather. My ‘Dad’ or my ‘biological father’ is a guy I like to visit every few months and have a couple of beers with. The man speaking was a member of one of our pre-placement groups. We had been discussing such words as ‘real’, ‘own’, ‘biological’, ‘natural’. . . words that are fraught with emotion for everyone involved in adoption. As he talked further, he commented, You should see him, I'm the spit and image of him. Silence followed as each of us in our own way absorbed the emotional message. How similar his situation was to that of the adopted child. What he had to deal with is akin to what we have described as the Adoption Dilemma. Let us look a little more closely at the nature of that dilemma. All adopted children have two sets of parents. They must somehow come to know them both and settle for themselves what their relationship to each will be. Although for some this may be beyond their control, they will try. Knowledge of the biological parents may be actual, it may be by way of information that is enough to satisfy them, or, if neither of these is possible, it will be imaginary. But know them they must if they are to resolve their dilemma and thus free themselves to be all they are capable of being. The group member who said, I am the spit and image of him, expressed an awareness that might have been stated another way, I am part of him too! There seemed to be no question in his mind that the stepfather who cared for him, provided for him and showed his love in innumerable ways, day in and day out was, indeed, his father. And it also seemed very clear that he loved this father all the more because he in no way maligned his ‘Dad’. Another group member asked, What if you had never been allowed to see your ‘Dad’ or to know anything about him? I guess I would have been very hurt. It should be the responsibility of all prospective adoptive parents to seriously consider whether they can help adoptive children resolve their dilemma. And the best time to begin is before you accept the responsibility of a child. The way to begin is to look very realistically at who the children are who are available for adoption and why they are available. Examine their backgrounds and then let your heart tell you what you feel. The matter is not necessarily rational. Adoption touches strong emotions. It is a unique experience which raises a variety of questions, both of a personal and social nature, and those planning to become involved should explore these thoroughly to determine whether they can prepare themselves to meet the special needs which arise in that relationship. Much of this is more easily said than done, for there are no happy circumstances that lead to adoption. The very fact children need to be placed in adoptive homes tells us that something unpleasant has already happened to them. They may have been born of unmarried parents who were not prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for them. They may be the product of rape or incest, or an extra-marital affair. They may have been forcibly removed from their parents by the courts because of neglect or abuse. They may have been abandoned. Each one has a tragic story, and all too often adoptive applicants do not want to hear what that story is. If I don't know, I can honestly tell a child I don't know, and that will be that. Such a view is truly naive. The unknown frequently holds more horror than any truth. Both social workers and adoptive parents have been guilty in the past of fostering a vague, meaningless ‘explanation’ to all adoptive children that has, in effect, left all with the feeling that there is no way to learn why their placement was necessary. Your mother gave you up because she loved you, we told them all, as if that made any sense whatsoever. She wanted what was best for you so she gave you to an agency to make sure they found the best possible home for you. And now adults who were adopted as children are telling us that such answers will not suffice. Their message is clear. They must work out their dilemma ... their own dilemma. This is a very personal matter, and can best be accomplished when the children are able to understand the reasons for their placement. The biological parents made the decision to surrender the child. The adoptive parents willingly accepted parenthood. Now it remains for the adopted child to take an active part in the decision. This is a very essential part of the maturing process. It does involve choice on the child’s part. This appears to be threatening to many adoptive parents and may account for their reluctance to be truly helpful to their children in facing the important questions about adoption. This choice need not be a matter of ‘either - or’. The children must decide ‘what’ their relationship with each set of parents will be and it is ideally to be hoped that the parents involved will help them accomplish this. In order to be able to be of help to the children, it seems to be essential that there be, at the very least, respect between the two sets of parents. But how does one develop respect for child deserters, abusers? For those who conceive children and then do not care for them? Is this not more than should be expected, particularly if we ask it of those who want children desperately and may be unable to bear them? Yes, it is much, but no more than is crucial to a good adoptive relationship. Just as children who know nothing about their biological background will have great difficulty in successfully resolving their dilemma, so too, the parent who has no understanding of their background will have serious trouble in helping children. When your application is accepted by an adoption agency, you will be invited to take part in a ‘homestudy’. This is a process which enables the agency to get to know you and to help you consider whether adoption is really for you. The very process itself also serves as an emotional preparation for the role of adoptive parenthood. There are two major tasks that should be undertaken by those who wish to prepare themselves for the role of adoptive parenthood: This should be the core of every ‘homestudy’. Some people may come to the conclusion that they are not prepared to undertake the adoptive relationship. Others may find that they are capable of much more than they thought possible. In either case the effort should be well worthwhile. There is at stake human life and happiness, yours as well as that of any child who may become yours. For those couples who are unable to bear children biologically, it is especially important to consider what this means to each of them and to the marriage. The inability to reproduce themselves is a basic threat to many childless couples. The attitudes of outsiders frequently adds to feelings of inadequacy. If the problem is not resolved, an adopted child may be a constant reminder of such feelings of inadequacy. Where appropriate, the ‘homestudy’ will include a discussion about a couple's feelings regarding their infertility and how they have tried to cope with them. Interestingly, the discussion itself is sometimes very helpful in the resolution of these feelings. This can be particularly true if your agency involves you in group discussions with other adoptive applicants. Perhaps nothing is more helpful than recognition that a particular problem is shared by many. I have seen numerous couples relax considerably when they talked over with others their childlessness and the accompanying fears, humiliation, and tensions which they had previously endured alone. To be with others who are obviously normal, healthy, well functioning individuals and to recognize that they have lived through and understand their experiences is very helpful to many. Those couples who do become comfortable about their infertility will usually be able to deal comfortably with adoption. This, of course, is essential if parents are to be prepared to support children in resolving their dilemma. Those who cannot accept their infertility frequently have the most difficulty in facing adoption with their children. They will try to deny the existence of other parents in the child's past and they will, therefore, force the children to try to handle their dilemma alone. Not only is this a formidable task for a child, it will exclude the adoptive parents and in that way lessen the closeness of their relationship. This is just one example of what you will be discussing in your ‘study’. I cite it in an effort to help you understand something of what should be involved in your preparation for making a very important decision. Hopefully, the process involved in the ‘study’ will not become a contest to see if you can outwit your worker (You can, of course. Despite their training and experience, social workers are not mind readers.). Rather the ‘study’ is meant to be a means whereby you can better evaluate for yourself your readiness for adoptive parenthood. It is true that the ultimate responsibility for the placement of children rests with the agency, but a unilateral decision is rarely necessary. Remember the agency is at least as anxious as you are to place the waiting children.
WHILE YOU WAIT
Your ‘homestudy’ is complete. You and your worker have decided that you are ready to adopt. Now what? Some people find this the most anxious period of all. There is no way to predict how long this time will be. Much of it will depend upon your flexibility regarding the kinds of children you can accept. But the time need not be vacuous. There are a number of things you can be doing. If you have no children, now is a good time to learn about children. Your librarian can recommend a number of books on child development and child care. Most communities and many agencies offer courses on these topics. While some people prefer to take such courses after placement, taking them prior to placement may be simpler and can also give you a little more confidence about beginning your role as a parent. This is another period during which contact with others interested in adoption can be very helpful. If you have not yet become familiar with your nearest adoptive parent group, you should do so. While your agency will do all it can to help you prepare yourself, there is no substitute for contact with a number of others who have actually experienced adoption on a personal level. Both before and after adoption takes place, these groups are an invaluable source of support and they generally have the added bonus of being fun. Most have a number of family activities that make it easier for children to feel less ‘different’. If you expect to adopt a child past infancy, it would be a good idea to collect snapshots that can be used to help your prospective child feel more comfortable about meeting you. Later on, when you have some personal information about the child who will be presented to you, you can put the snapshots into a picture album with a few personalized notes. But in the meantime, the pictures can be ready. They might include pictures of all family members (including pets), pictures of your home (inside and out) and pictures of your car. Children love pictures of cars. You might want to send a few photos of special places where you anticipate having family outings. If you know where a child will be going to school, it would be interesting to show him or her a picture of that building. Photos of new relatives and friends who will become an important part of a child's future life can help a child feel more secure about this big venture. You will undoubtedly have some ideas to add to these suggestions. Don't worry about making your picture album into something that looks professional. Every book I have seen has been unique. I have yet to see a child who did not treasure his book. Another important step you can take is to find a pediatrician who will look after your child's medical needs. Be sure to make an appointment and talk with the physician before any placement occurs. Some doctors share with the general public many misconceptions about adoption. Some who may provide excellent medical care just simply do not understand why anyone would want to adopt. Because of the very nature of their professional position, such attitudes can be very disturbing to persons just newly involved in their role as parents. Let me give you a few illustrations. After examining an infant girl, one doctor told her new parents, This child has a heart murmur. I would not tell you this if she were ‘your own’. I would just watch her. But since she is adopted, maybe you can turn her in on a new model. One couple who had made a very thoughtful decision about adopting an eight year old who was a slow learner, were very surprised by what they considered a harangue from a physician who angrily wanted to know if they realized this child would never be able to go to college. Some doctors have emphasized to adoptive parents that the child is at first with them for ‘only a trial period’, and they should not consider the placement permanent until they check out all the things that might possibly be wrong. Let it suffice to say that I hope you will select a physician who shows more understanding about adoption. Some people may feel strong enough in their convictions about what they are doing that they are willing to take on the added task of reeducating a doctor who they believe has otherwise demonstrated excellent medical skills. Most, however, would do better to seek out someone who has more understanding. After all, there are many who are both skillful and sensitive. If you are not familiar with any pediatricians, your local group of adoptive parents would be a good source of information. I do hope you will also use this time to have some fun. Take that trip you have been putting off. Learn to play tennis, or swim, or dance, or whatever it is you have been meaning to do ‘sometime’. Because any new addition to a family will bring some added stress and tension, it is a good idea now to do what you can to solidify your present family relationships. Try doing those things which help you to relax and keep your sense of humor in good working order. That, perhaps more than almost anything else, will see you through the inevitable stresses and make life more pleasant to boot. "WILL YOU TAKE THIS CHILD ... ?"
When the agency has a child to present to you, you will be invited to discuss the background information. Remember that acceptance of children includes acceptance of their background; all of it, both the pleasant and the unpleasant. You do not need to give an answer immediately upon hearing about a child. Take time to digest the information and to examine your reactions. Remember that you are someday going to have to help the child understand why he or she needed to be separated from those who gave them birth. Can you help a child ask questions and talk about his feelings, without making him feel that you consider yourself superior to those who gave him life? At this point you will not be discussing theoretical situations. You will be talking about a real child who may become yours. If you are comfortable about the background, you will convey this to the child in a myriad of ways. If you are disgusted by it, your child will feel it and come to feel uncomfortable about himself. Social workers are human beings too. Sometimes in their efforts to make certain that a couple can accept a difficult or unpleasant background, they may overemphasize this and neglect to tell you some of the positive facets of the personalities and talents of the birth parents. Be prepared to ask questions that will elicit this information too. In what ways did the parents show concern for the child? What were they able to do before separation became necessary. Did they in any way express their hopes for the child? What talents did they demonstrate. Try to get a picture of them as real live people. But what if the picture is truly sordid? What if a child has been seriously abused and no one who has any information on the biological parents has anything good to say? A common reaction is to say, These people are sick. If you should be faced with such a situation, consider the tenor with which you find yourself making such a statement. It can be felt with disgust, with pity, or with true compassion. Only compassion will do. It is not necessary to justify undesirable behavior. It is necessary to feel some empathy for parents whose problems are so severe that they are unable to take on the ordinary responsibilities and give children the love and care they need to grow. It is important that you not be thinking in terms of the compassion you ‘should have’. None of us are always what we ‘should’ be. Most of us find that there are some things we can accept and others that we simply cannot. If you are not comfortable with what you learn about a child, now is the time to say, ‘no’. No one will be hurt. Children will be better off with parents who can accept them totally. You may learn more about yourself and what kind of child you can accept. If you need more time or information, do not hesitate to ask for it. If and when you are more comfortable with what you know about a child and you want to proceed with adoption planning, arrangements will be made to begin visiting. At this point you should feel seriously committed to the idea of making the placement work. While it is always possible that visiting may make it evident that there are too many stumbling blocks for this particular placement to work, this is not very likely. At any rate, visiting should not begin with the idea of ‘looking a child over’. Hopefully visiting will serve as a means of getting to know each other and for preparing both of you and the child for the eventual placement. Will you take this child . . . for life? VISITING
If you are interested in a child and the child is old enough to participate in planning, arrangements will be made to begin visiting. You will now have enough information so that you can complete the picture book which can be used to help prepare the child for meeting you. With some children one or two visits may be all that are necessary prior to placement. With others a more extended period would be better. You, the child, and the social worker will all be involved in making this decision. Sometimes it happens that a child and the new family seem to relate very quickly and they may feel they want to dispense with the visiting and just begin to live together right away. This is very rarely advisable. It may be natural to want to avoid difficult ‘goodbyes’, but in the long run it is usually best to face the pain involved in separation. The child needs some time to grasp the importance of the move and to recognize that this is not another temporary placement. Only after absorbing this can a child break with foster parents, friends, and school mates. Should you meet the foster parents? This will depend on a number of factors. Of prime importance is whether the foster parents favor this placement and are prepared to help the child move. This should be very frankly discussed with your worker. You will also want to consider whether the foster family have direct contact with the biological family and what this might mean to the success of the placement. Under ideal circumstances, personal contact with foster parents can be very helpful to you in understanding how your child has been leading daily life, how discipline has been applied. What the child's personal likes and dislikes are. If you choose not to meet the foster parents at this time, you might still request that they send pertinent information through the agency. You might also send the foster parents some information about yourself that will help them to be comfortable about the placement. If they feel good about it, it will be easier for them to ‘let go’ and to give assurance that they want the child to have this opportunity to have a permanent family. With this kind of support, the child can more easily move on. Between visits you will need to be doing all that you can to make the transition as easy as possible. If the child is of school age, you should arrange a school conference some time before actual placement. School personnel vary in their understanding of adoption, dependent upon the individual experience (or lack of experience) with adoption. But in almost every instance your child will be shown more understanding if you make an effort to let them know something about your child and his or her earlier school experiences. This is not to say you should be giving out personal background information. You will also want to let your relatives and friends know about the coming placement. It would be no wiser to give any of them detailed background information. This is a personal matter for the child to learn to handle and he should not be handicapped by having stories about background circulating and perhaps becoming distorted before arrival. One common question that arises during the visiting period is trying to decide what to call each other. When children ask what to call you, they may be trying to tell you what they would like to call you, they may be asking permission to use certain names or titles, they may be trying to find out how you feel about them and where they stand in this new relationship. Give them an opportunity to express what they feel about this. But do not be afraid either to tell the children what you would like to be called. The relationship is a two way matter. A child has as much right to know how you feel, as you do to try to find out what the child feels. Be yourself! It is the only fair thing to be. SUDDENLY A FAMILY Once at an agency board meeting I was excitedly telling about some of our placements of older children. 0h my heavens, said one of the members. We have a twelve year old son, and if someone suddenly just put him into our home, I don't know whether we could possibly stand him. What she meant, of course, was they were able to take much of his childish (substitute, if you will, ‘obnoxious’) behavior because he was theirs, because they had learned to love him over the years. And because they loved him, they willingly accepted all that is involved in helping the child grow up. Parents who adopt older children do not have that luxury. Somehow they must learn to get along with a child before there is enough love to make exasperating behavior tolerable. Love comes slowly, but if you wait for love to develop before you get some order into your home, you will soon find yourself climbing the walls, and chances for the placement to become successful will be greatly lessened. It is of the utmost importance that order be established in the home from the beginning. It will be tempting to try to avoid this. It is a very natural reaction to begin by avoiding anything as unpleasant as setting rules and limits, to try doing only ‘fun’ things and not presenting a picture of yourself as a ‘meany’. But if you do, you will certainly regret it and you will be doing your child no favor. Children need to know where they stand, what is acceptable and what is not. Your rules should be simple, clear and - hopefully - few in number. Be prepared for chaos! If you have a picture of family life that resembles that of those ‘perfect’ families in T.V. domestic comedies, be prepared for shock. Problems cannot all be solved in half hour segments. Day to day living with children just does not run that smoothly. All children try to test limits; children who have suffered broken ties and who now have to try to figure out just what this new relationship can be, are apt to test even further. In my work with families I have been struck by how common some of the difficult problems are. If you have little experience with children, some of them will come as real ‘shockers’. Some of the behavior is frightening and it is easy to wonder if such behavior is the result of a ‘bad inheritance’ or amoral training. Actually most of it is a common part of growing up. Not many parents like to admit that their children lie, steal, cheat, use foul language, that they wet the bed, that they are messy and can be incredibly rude. But most children do these things at some time or other. Some need more help than others in learning to control their behavior, some need more time. Sometimes longstanding gross behavior problems may be a sign that a child is disturbed and in need of professional help, but more likely than not, most of these problems can be more simply handled. At least the more simple methods should be tried first. Let us consider some of the problems which parents seem to find most frustrating. As we discuss each of them, try to keep three little words in mind: ‘KEEP IT SIMPLE!’. One of the most common problems is bedwetting. We can get very involved in theories as to why a child wets, what programs we can use to change this behavior, whether we should use rewards and/or punishments. Those parents who have the least trouble with the problem seem to be those who merely tell children they are sorry they have this problem, they know it will pass in time. Until it does, they are to change their own sheets. If they are not old enough to do this, they may be old enough to at least remove the wet sheets and take them to the laundry area (Even very little tykes can do that.). The more you stay out of the matter, the better it will be for all concerned. Assuming a child is physically in good health, we can also assume that when he is able to stay dry, he will do so. In the meantime there is very little sense in wasting time, effort, and energy in letting yourself become exasperated about this problem. Rest assured that your child wants the comfort of a dry bed as much as you do. Another problem which is far more devastating to parents and which is also far more common than is generally talked about is soiling. Because this is a problem which is so disturbing to parents, some children have learned to use it as a means of showing anger, or to ‘work up’ parents and see their reaction. If carried to an extreme this can be a sign of severe disturbance, but before jumping to that conclusion, it would be better to try the same approach we discussed regarding bed wetting. Try telling the child you are sorry he has this problem, you are sure he will get over it. In the meantime he is responsible for cleaning himself and for not offending others by this habit. Stay out of the problem as much as possible. If there is an element of attention getting in this behavior, your apparent lack of response is the best antidote. Lying. If you are sure your child is lying, there is no point in asking whether he or she is lying. Sometimes what seems like lying to an adult is merely the reflection of the way a child sees things. Some children with vivid imaginations have a difficult time separating fact from fantasy. In such cases you might talk these matters over with them. But if you are certain children are telling out and out lies, it would seem best to say simply that you know they are telling a lie, you do not like it and hope they will not do it again. Stealing. While almost every child tries stealing at least once, some take much longer to learn that this is not tolerable behavior. Some children who have lived in institutions or other settings where clothes and toys and other articles had to be shared by a number of other children, take longer to learn that they cannot just pick up and use things that belong to others. Again I must emphasize that the best way to handle this problem is to ‘keep it simple’. Children must know that stolen articles must be returned, you do not like them taking things and you hope they will not do it again. If you are firm in your conviction, they will understand. Long lectures are not needed. With some children getting over stealing may take a long time. Sooner or later, if they are not allowed to keep things they take, they will learn it is not worth the trouble. Foul language. If you use foul language yourself, you will know where your child learned it. But if you do not, you may be quite surprised the first time you hear such words coming from your ‘little angel’. Whether they learn them at school, at play, or at a neighbor's makes little difference. Most children will learn such words sooner or later and will try using them. Most soon find there is little that can more easily get a terrific reaction out of adults. And what a weapon that can become. I repeat, ‘Keep it simple.’. Give a brief explanation that such words are not to be used in polite company and you hope the child won't use them again. Sex play. While today's attitude toward sex is somewhat more casual than in past years, most parents still find themselves much more upset than they thought they would be when they find their children involved in sex play. It is important to remember sexual play is a normal part of children's development and we should not do anything to make them feel there is something wrong with them because they are normally curious. Nevertheless, such behavior is not acceptable socially and you do not want other parents to refuse to let their children play with yours. Your best bet is to keep children reasonably busy and not to let them play unsupervised for long periods. Of all of children's behavior problems, perhaps none is more frightening than firesetting. Adults may call it fire setting; a child is more apt to think of it as ‘playing with matches’. I have worked with a number of children who were fire setters and I never ceased to be amazed at the control they had over this activity. While I in no way want to minimize the dangers involved, I do want to emphasize the importance of not getting panic stricken the first time you find a child setting a fire. This is such a frightening thing that a child can become overwhelmed by the reaction of adults. Some children have learned to terrorize entire households by such behavior. The basic principles involved in dealing with behavior problems are the same regardless of the problem. Children need to know what behavior is expected of them and what is not acceptable. They need to know that you intend to help them achieve the necessary controls over their behavior. They need to know that they cannot use undesirable behavior to get you worked up. Keep it simple! Always try the simplest means first. It may save you many hours of heartache and headache. And it will make it possible for you to achieve enough serenity to love each other. This will not be accomplished in days, weeks, or months. It is a continual process ... a part of growing up.
If you should meet with a group of adoptive parents and start to tell them how easily your newly arrived child has fit into your family, they will more than likely warn you that the ‘honeymoon’ may soon be over. I have not met many adoptive parents unfamiliar with the use of the term. Because of what they have experienced, most older children who are placed for adoption are convinced they are ‘bad’ and they can expect to be rejected. They cannot yet understand that the problems which made their placement necessary were not of their own doing. They are very fearful of being rejected again. Some will, from the very beginning, behave so poorly it seems as if they are determined to find out quickly whether you really mean it when you say you want to be their parents forever. It is as if they are saying, If you are going to get rid of me too, let's get it over with right away. Other children are so fearful of being rejected that they put themselves on their very best behavior and cannot seem to do anything wrong. They do as they are told. They seem to be so happy. Their new parents frequently remark that it seems as if the children have always been members of the family. They cannot remember what life was like without each other. Such behavior is seen frequently in children who have had more than their share of responsibility. It is also seen in children who have been unable to face the anger we might expect them to feel in view of the things that have happened to them. Whatever the cause, you can probably count on the fact that as children become more comfortable and sure of their position in the household, their behavior will seem to deteriorate. The child who had previously been dry every night may suddenly begin to wet the bed. The very obedient youngster may, without apparent cause, become defiant. Your children may now decide where they came from was a lot better than ‘this place’, and make this known to you in no uncertain terms. Whatever the form, this ‘testing’ can be very exasperating, but it is apt to be less so if you are prepared. Recognize it for what it is, a sign the children now feel secure enough to dare to misbehave. They need the same help as any other children who are lacking in self-control. They are doing what the more brazen child did earlier. They are trying to find out where they stand and to make sure you intend to keep them despite their obvious faults. Of course, there is always the possibility you may be among those few families who never experience the havoc usually involved when new parents and older children learn to adjust to each other. If so, you are lucky indeed. But do not count on it! Children are children and they all need much help to become mature adults. Children who have been hurt repeatedly usually need even more. It is best to anticipate that sooner or later you will experience some stormy sessions. Regardless of the problems which appear, the best you can do is assure your children whatever the problem, this is the place it will be worked out. When I heard one adoptive mother tell her very troubled son, This is the end of the line, Joey. No more moves to another family. Whatever problems we have, we have to work them out together, I knew the placement would work. Joey knew it too. LISTEN!
For a few days our eleven year old had seemed restless and somewhat more pensive than usual. Suddenly at dinner he blurted out, Who are our ancestors? Another week went by before he asked, What about my other parents? Who were their ancestors? Later we learned that his class at school had been given an assignment to write a report on their ancestors. The matter in which our child chose to resolve his problem holds particular interest in view of our consideration of the Adoption Dilemma. First he struggled with the idea of choosing the English and/or French since this would include both his biological parents and his Dad. That seemed to him a somewhat reasonable compromise. But the assignment was not completed in time. Finally one day he said, But Mom, if I do the report on the English and French, then what about you? We struggled with this for a while and finally came up with the conclusion that since Sicily had been overrun by so many countries including France, there must be some French in my ancestry. Good, he said, then that includes everybody. While other families may find other ways to handle a similar situation, the important thing seems to be helping the child explore his own feelings about this. One twelve year old adopted girl told of sitting in a classroom while the teacher drew on the board a genealogical chart of an historic ruler and his descendants. When she came to one of the names she drew a line through it and said, But he was adopted, so he didn't count! The child was able to tell how hurt she had felt and how much confusion it caused for her. She felt that all of the children in the class who knew she was adopted were turning to look at her in a funny way. But even more importantly, the comment zeroed in on her feelings about herself. What does ancestor mean? What does descendant mean? Whose child am I? These were questions from a reasonable, happy child who dearly loved the only parents she had ever known, but who was beginning to struggle with the concept of her adoptive status. In a short series of casework interviews we talked of such things as family trees. We drew pictures of plant grafts and said in some ways adoption was like that, making a person part of the family tree of her adoptive parents. Yet at the same time the grafted branch did not just begin to live when it was grafted. Most helpful to her was the recognition that she did not have to choose one family tree over another, but she could accept the fact that she really had two trees. Further discussion led to a consideration of love and how loving one set of parents did not take away from loving the other. She told me that she had on a number of occasions imagined her original mother had located her and had insisted she come to live with her. She had been frightened, she said, because she did not know which mother she would choose. She did not know whether she would ever try to find her first mother, but she did feel tremendous relief when she was encouraged to talk this over with her adoptive parents. They in turn were able to assure her she need never choose between them. She was helped to see that love is not like a piece of pie that gets divided up and then is all gone, but rather that as we grow up we find that we love many different people in different ways. Loving parents who gave you birth in no way diminishes love for adoptive parents who have reared you, nor should loving adoptive parents in any way make it less possible to love the original parents. In my work with children I have seen numerous youngsters obtain great relief from anxiety when they are helped to deal with this basic conflict. But many others carry the anxiety for years. Some develop learning blocks. Perhaps it is easier not to listen or not to turn in reports than try to get others to understand. The examples given above are not unusual. It would be well for adoptive parents to be alert to the topics that are going on in school and to be ready to help the children with them. Many of the topics will be precipitating factors in forcing adopted children to look at their ‘dilemma’. Besides discussions of ancestors, classes will focus on family structure, heredity, environment and sex education. Questions children have about their adoption are not always direct. What's an unwanted pregnancy?, asked our ten year old who had just read the headline in a book on adolescent growth. The factual information she wanted was minimal. When I asked if that made her wonder about herself, she began to talk about whether she had been an ‘unwanted child’. We were able to discuss some of the difficulties involved in having children before you can take care of them. Sometimes the children may seem to want to deny their adoption and as long as this is a temporary matter, they should be allowed to do so. One day a child may deny the existence of his original parents and the next he may angrily tell you that you are not his ‘real’ parents. A certain amount of this is healthy and necessary as children try to work out their own conflicts. Once when our oldest was just learning to read, he noticed a book which we owned entitled The Adopted Child: He Doesn't Really Need to be Told. He doesn't need to be told what?, he asked. I explained that it was this author's opinion that if you adopted children you should not tell them about the adoption because they might be hurt by the information. I wondered what he thought about such an idea. His surprise response? I don't think it makes any difference, because nobody ever believes he's adopted anyway. Recently when I asked him what he thought about this he said, That's pretty silly. You have a right to know.
Our third child for a long time did not want to consider the idea he had been born of another mother. When he was about four and just beginning to come to grips with the fact that this was the meaning of adoption, he would say, All of us children came out of Mommy. First Tom came out, then Marcia came out then I came out ... right Mom? A big hug and an I love you, Jack, seemed a much more appropriate response than any further discussion. Today at age ten, he is the most clear about the fact that when he is grown up he hopes he will be able to find his first parents. He wonders whether we will help him find them. If he still wants to do that when he grows up, we believe we will help him in that search. Your son got into another fracas at school today. My son? How come every time something is wrong, he turns out to be my son? An unusual bit of conversation? Not at all. Most parents will recognize the argument. Sometimes when a child's behavior seems more than a parent feels up to handling, it is very natural to want to relieve oneself of any responsibility for the child. It is a temporary thing and common sense will soon take over, but the feeling is a normal one. With parents who have adopted their children, this may take the form of wondering about a child's heredity. If recognized for what it is, a temporary annoyance and need for escape from responsibility, the adoptive parent will, like any other parent, soon dismiss the matter. If, however, it should reflect a basic concern over what it is that a child inherits, it can become a very destructive factor in the parent/child relationship. What do we know about heredity? In the fourth century B.C. Hippocrates noted that, Bald people are descended from bald people, people with blue eyes from people with blue eyes, and squinting persons from squinting persons. But then just to make sure he added, At least in the majority of cases. Which is more important, heredity or environment? Which has the greater influence on a child's development? It seems that one year it is popular to emphasize environment and the next year it becomes a fad to stress heredity. In fact, the argument is for adopted children merely another facet of their ‘dilemma’. It is pointless to argue over which has the greater relevance. They are inseparable. Certainly the child is physically the product of its heredity. Each of us has inherited the color of our eyes, color and texture of our hair, a tendency toward certain body builds and and height. Most observers of nurseries for newborns are convinced that temperament is inherited. From the very beginning certain babies seem quiet and cuddly, others aggressive and demanding. Most parents will bear out the fact that such traits continue throughout a lifetime. And what about intelligence? While it is generally believed that inheritance may play a strong role in determining just how intelligent a child can become, very few people ever come near achieving their potential. Although a child inherits physical, mental, and perhaps emotional ‘equipment’, there is certainly ample evidence that all of these are modified by experience. The development of such traits as honesty, compassion, concern for others, respect for self, is acquired and is dependent upon one's environment and training. Children with aggressive temperaments may become violent persons bent on achieving only their own ends or they may become extremely accomplished with the strength and energy necessary for becoming real leaders. Most genes depend to some degree upon their environment for their expression. It is possible that the child who had to be placed for adoption may have been born of parents who had serious social problems. This is undoubtedly because of lacks within their environment and not the result of inheritable weaknesses. When we speak of anyone's inheritance it is important to recognize we are talking about a random assortment of genes passed down through many generations; it is never so simple as considering the known attributes of just two people. Few of us can trace our parentage back more than a few generations. And those who can will surely know that included among all of our ancestors are people who have been capable of and have performed some of the most noble and some of the most lowly of acts. Every parent is faced with the same task. We must accept children as they are with an inheritance we can never really know, and help them become all they are capable of being. Were you real happy when the lady called you to come and get me?, asked our four year old who was not adopted. It was a story he had heard many times as we talked with his older brothers and sister about all the excitement we experienced when they became a part of our family. These were stories the children all loved to hear, and our little fellow just assumed he had joined us the same way. After I had explained simply that he had grown inside of Mommy until he was big enough to be born, his thoughtful comment was, Oh . . . well it's a good thing I came out because if I just kept growing, I would have broke your head. Some time later we heard him in the midst of an argument with the other children, tease them with the remark, I'm the only kid that Mommy growed. It is tempting when we hear such comments to immediately get into the children's argument and begin to assure everyone the method of their arrival makes no difference to us. But our experience has taught us that usually children can better handle their arguments without adult interference. In this case the simple response was, So what? But there have been other times when the children have wanted to be assured that how much we love them does not depend upon the way they came to us. This has usually come in the form of a wish. I wish I was born from you. Does it make a difference? Will you be able to love your adopted children as you love children who were born to you? Sometimes. Sometimes not. How you relate to each of your children depends upon so many different factors. Perhaps you enjoy your quiet, contented child more than the boisterous one, or it may be the other way around. Each parent may react differently toward each of the children. Some people delight in a child's academic achievements. Some are happier with a child who shows athletic skills. And your choices will probably change throughout the years. Even day by day you may find that one child feels like your favorite one day and the next day it may be another. Some days you will have all you can do to like any of them. Everything that happens between people has something to do with the way they relate to each other and certainly the carrying of a child and giving birth to him or her has something important to do with that relationship. It is a source of pride and personal fulfillment. It would be sad to deny this in an effort to make everything equal for all your children. Our personal feeling after having experienced the miracle of birth was to wish ever so strongly that we had been able to give birth to all our children. And that is precisely what we have told them. The older the children get, the more the relationships depend upon the behavior of the people involved and on the growing personalities. None of us has to choose among our children. They are all different and need different things from us. Is our love for all of our children the same? It is not. Do we love them all as our children? Absolutely! We share our hopes, our fears, our problems, our plans, and our concerns about each other's happiness. Those are the things that make us a family. Much of the controversy over transracial adoptions is very well known. In our racist society, children of minority groups are subject to so much rejection. Will this be made much more difficult for them if they are placed with a family of a different racial background? The social questions sometimes seem overwhelming and for all practical purposes, unanswerable. The fact is that there are many children who need homes and who cannot be placed with families of the same race. Are they to stay in institutions and foster homes while the rest of us decide what is the best possible plan for them? We do not know what the next ten or twenty years will bring in the way of social change. We do know more about what children need in their growing up years. We know something about the special needs of adopted children. In our effort to cope with the largely unanswerable philosophical aspects of the issue, we have sometimes lost sight of the highly personal aspects of these adoptions. And these children are in need of adoption. Working out the conflicts involved in his own personal adoption dilemma is no less crucial for the mixed race child than for any other adopted child. That child's parents have every bit as much responsibility as any other adoptive parents to prepare themselves to help their children with this task. When prospective parents of a child of a different race are given a child's background information, they should ask themselves the same critical questions that all prospective adoptive parents should ask. Can you help these children understand why they needed to separated from those who gave them birth? Can you help them ask questions and talk about feelings, without making them feel that you consider yourself superior to those who have given them life? These questions must be faced honestly, regardless of the race of those who hope to become the parents. If you are adopting children from overseas, you may have been given very little information about their origin. This may at first glance seem to simplify your ask. But such a view is as naive as that of parents who ignore available information thinking that if they do not know, it will not be a problem. You have a responsibility to gather as much information as you possibly can. If you absolutely cannot get specific information about your child, you can learn as much as possible about conditions in the country at the time of placement so you can at least share with your child some of the possible reasons for placement. Certainly, race is an important part of any person's identity, and parents who adopt transracially must help children to learn everything possible about the history of their race. They must also be willing to cast in their lot with the children when they face the rebuffs inflicted upon them. Children who are placed transracially will have more than their share of hostility and cruelty to face. Your loving them and providing a secure home will not make these things go away. But it can help them to stand up to those realities.
FOR
ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Vincenette Scheppler, M.S.W.
all rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
TABLE OF CONTENTS
That depends on what you mean, I began, only to be cut short by the remark, All I want to know is where your family and Dad's family came from! No long discussions on adoption or on different sets of parents, just a simple answer to a simple question. At least today! So we talked about how Dad's family on his father's side came over from France. On his mother's side the family was English. Mommy's relatives had come from Sicily. I was prepared to talk a little about his birth parents and remind him of their national origins, but it was obvious that for now he did not want to discuss it further. For today this was all the information he wanted to consider. I reminded him that we could talk about it a little more when he felt like it.
They were German, Irish, French, and English. Although this was not the first time he had been given this information, it did seem to be the first time it held any significant meaning for him.
