A mother is a mother by virtue of the fact that she has given birth. She may or may not be a good mother. She may even be a poor mother or a bad one. She may not deserve to be called Mother, but she is a mother nonetheless. One does not have to earn the title. One is a mother because one has given birth.

     If you have loved and given care to children not born to you, you may find such statements troubling. Those of us who have seen children suffer because of poor parenting may not like the idea. That does not make it less true.

     The children who come into our care do not come from ideal situations. If they did, there would be no need for them to be living away from home. Why then, do we not help the children forget their parents and learn to accept new models instead?

     The children will not forget because they know within the very core of their being that it is not healthy.

     Forgetting is not possible because children have an inner life in which their parents play a vital part. They receive mixed messages from their parents. Parents say they love them and then do not take care of them. The children wonder why. They wonder if it is their fault. They want desperately to love their parents, to protect them from criticism, to be proud of them. They are also angry with them, often afraid of them and afraid of their own role in causing their separation. How can they help but think about them?

     They will not forget because to do so would be unfair. They know that the love from those who brought you into the world should be unconditional. They know they are being deprived of that most basic source of security. They have a right to feel angry about what has happened to them. They must think about these things in order to make some sense of their lives.

     They will not forget because every human being has a drive toward personal growth. For most of us, this process begins with daily contact with our parents. We very gradually move out into the world, testing our wings a little. We dare to do so because we know our parents will be there when we need to depend upon them again. The love, the approval and the example of our parents help us in our search to become healthy, independent individuals. This is the process which enables us to make our decisions about the kind of adult we want to be. We decide for ourselves which of our parents' values we will live by.

     The process of becoming a mature adult is complicated for children who are separated from their parents. Because of their separation, children may have a tendency to idealize their parents and be unrealistically influenced by them. They may become so preoccupied with fantasies that they are unable to learn and profit from new experiences. When they are allowed to talk out their thoughts about their parents, they can begin to face their own lives realistically.

     What has all of this to do with foster care? Just this. If the children are to profit from the experience of placement, those of us who are responsible for their care must be aware of the strong force of the biological bond. Whether the children are to eventually be returned to their own homes, remain in long term foster care or be surrendered for adoption, they will need to work through their feelings about this bond.

     If they do not think about, talk about, and sort out these feelings about the relationship with their parents, they will have much difficulty in developing other healthy relationships.

     They never talk about their mother.

     They don't even think about her until she calls and make all kinds of crazy promises.

     I don't see why you push the visiting, the letters, the phone calls. She has never taken care of them. All she does is upset them.

     If parents love their children, they will find a way to take care of them. They are not even mine and I would not let them go.

     Such comments do not come from insensitive people. They are words we hear over and over again from caring people who are frustrated in their efforts to protect their foster children. They love these children and are hurt when they see the children hurt.

     Visits from parents do frequently make the foster parents' job more difficult. Children are often harder to care for after these contacts. Frequently false hopes are raised. Children may regress in their behavior. They begin to speak unrealistically about leaving the foster home and returning to their parents. They discuss their parents in idealized terms.

     Daily care of children is one of the most exacting and difficult jobs in the world. It is only natural that those who are providing that care feel some resentment toward those who, by everything we have been taught, should be providing that care themselves, but do not.

     The biological parents frequently add to the problem by their open or subtle criticism of the foster family. Their questions about how the children are being cared for, comments about their clothes, their hair, their school work, their form of discipline . . . almost anything about the way the children are being reared can be a source of conflict. And what can be more natural than to feel, Who are they that they can be so critical? You will not feel good about their comments, but it may help if you stop and consider what it must be like to have your weaknesses on public display. What can be more public than the fact that your children are in placement? That you are unable to provide them with the most basic of needs?

     It would be asking you to be more than human to ask you to feel good about parents who do not care for their own children. Yet, if you are to help children handle their own feelings, it is very important that you give these parents the respect due them just because they are human beings and are struggling with problems that are part of the human condition. They may be failing, they may be failing miserably. But even their failed efforts are usually part of a bumbled up effort to achieve some degree of peace and happiness. In work with troubled families we see constant evidence of very poor care given children. There is, however, no evidence that anyone ever had children and deliberately intended to make them unhappy. Some people are so preoccupied with their own problems that they are unable to be good parents. If we can help our foster children understand and work out their problems, we may break the cycle. Then we help not only them, but future generations.

     None of this implies that you should be a martyr. It is not necessary for you to take on the biological parents and their problems. If direct contact causes too much stress for you, it is sometimes better if visiting takes place away from your home. You should feel free to talk this over with your worker who can make other arrangements. If parents make promises which they do not keep, you do not need to make excuses for them. You do not need to remind children that their parents continually break promises. Your job is to allow children to talk about these things. Children need to know that it is okay to love parents even when those parents do not seem to be doing what is right. They also need to feel free to express their anger toward those parents and to discuss the unfairness of it all, without feeling they have betrayed that love.

     You may be inclined to bring to children's attention the reality of their poor home situations, but be assured the children know it better than you do. They have given the matter a great deal of thought. If their feelings have not been repressed, they will eventually develop a clear enough understanding to evaluate their situations realistically.

     None of us has a right to be judgmental. Children's parents are their parents. They are a part of each other. A condemnation of the parents is a condemnation of the children. An acceptance of the parents as struggling human beings is an acceptance of the children as individuals who are struggling with their own feelings. With love, with patience, with understanding, we can help the children make their struggles more successful. They then will develop a better sense of self. If we help them accept themselves, we will have given the greatest of gifts.

     How can we help children work out their relationship with their parents? First and foremost, we can help them talk freely about them. Even though circumstances make it necessary for children to live apart from their parents, we can allow reasonable visiting, letter writing, telephone contact. If the children seem more upset after these contacts, we can use this as an opportunity to allow them to express their mixed feelings.

     Where physical contact with parents is not possible, we can keep the image of them alive by casual conversation. Even if parents are hospitalized, in prison, or have deserted the children, they are still very much on the children's minds. It is important that they feel free to talk about their parents. How and what each of you say is not as important as the fact that you recognize the children's need to figure things out. There are times when children need to tell you how much they hurt, times when they need to tell you how much they love their parents. Your support means a great deal to them.

     What are some of the practical things you can do to help children understand what is happening to them? You can allow the children to openly keep things from home. Especially important are pictures of their parents. You can remind them of parents' birthdays and help them send cards. Most of all, you can accept their mixed feelings as natural and understandable. That is probably the most important thing you can do for children who now look to you for their daily comfort and guidance.

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