Why can't I stay here?

     Your honest and sensitive answer to this question is the very best gift you can give any child whom you are helping to prepare for adoption. To give that honest and sensitive answer it is important to think out your reasons ahead of time. That way your response will be as clear as possible. Whatever your reasons for not adopting the child yourself, they are good enough. Children can accept them. What children cannot accept is not knowing for certain that they must go on to another placement. Your permission for them to move is extremely important in helping make that placement successful.

     You give that permission first and foremost by making clear that you are not going to adopt the child. The reason may be very simply that yours is a foster home; that you agreed to take children temporarily. That is an excellent service to children and demands no apology. The commitment involved in adoption, in making a child a permanent legal and emotional son or daughter, is something entirely different.

     Once your approval of the new placement is obvious, the child will be relieved of any feelings that he or she is betraying you by forming new bonds. But it will not be easy for you to approve. After all, you are the family who has seen how vulnerable the child is. It is you who have cared for the child, who have invested so much. You have probably seen a great deal of improvement and you do not want to see the child lose that ground. You will naturally wonder whether anyone else can care as much as you do. You will worry. You will be anxious.

     Accept these feelings. They are part of what has made you a good parent. All parents must live with these feelings when children leave home under any circumstances. The feelings are understandable, but never an excuse for holding the children back. The best way to ease the feeling is by knowing that you are doing everything you can to make the move easier for everyone.

     What are some of the things you can do? You begin with making yourself as comfortable as possible. All of us can better help others after our own anxieties have been relieved. Ask your worker to share as much information as possible about the prospective family. Sometimes it is possible for you to meet them. This is an exceptionally tense period of time for the prospective family. Your being supportive of them can go a long way toward helping them, and you, and most importantly the child.

     Earlier we discussed the value of allowing your foster children to keep mementoes from their original family and from other placements. Hopefully by now, you will have added to the child's collection some mementoes of this placement. Be sure the child has pictures of you. Souvenirs of this placement might include report cards and school pictures. You might share recipes for foods the child especially likes. Anything which will help keep alive this period of his life will lessen the pain of separation from you.

     Adoptive parents frequently find themselves longing to learn about that part of the child's life which they have missed. If you can provide them with pictures, school records, medical records, growth charts and other things you can think of, you will be making a very valuable contribution to the new family's well being.

     Another area in which you can be most helpful is by writing out some notes for the new parents. These might include the child's usual routine. It can be most useful to know such things as usual time of getting up and going to bed. Especially valuable is knowledge about how the child has been disciplined. The family would enjoy knowing about the child's favorite foods and those disliked. Have you learned other things which would help things go more smoothly for the new family? Even if their style of living is different, it will help your foster child make the transition gradually and less painfully.

     Before moving into an adoptive home, your foster child will probably visit several times. There may be overnight and weekend visits. This can be a very trying time for you; a time when it is most important for you to realize that you must be a Professional Parent. One of the things which will complicate the situation is the very natural tendency most of have to withdraw affection when we are afraid of losing someone. Perhaps your child will return from these visits and ply you with stories of how wonderful things are in his new home. It may help to remember that the child and new family are in a sense courting each other. A desire to go will probably be coupled with fear which may at times make the child cling to you excessively. No matter how mature you are, or how hard you are working at being supportive of the new family, some of this attitude will probably hurt you. It may hurt a great deal. Some of that hurt may be eased if you recognize how normal your reactions are.

     Now you are not only expected to endure this hurt, but to keep on offering your love to someone who is in the process of moving away both physically and emotionally. You not only have a right to your feelings, but a right to ask for time to talk them over with the worker. If you can talk them over with the worker, it should give you some relief and enable to get through the time without making things more difficult for the child.

     Is it necessary to give up the child completely? Will visits, letters, telephone calls be permitted? If you have met the prospective parents, they have probably said Of course. and they meant it. But often when the actual placement occurs, something happens to change their minds. The impact of the seriousness of this permanent commitment may be somewhat frightening. They feel a strong need to bond, and temporarily at least, to shut out relations which they believe threaten that bonding. You do not mean to threaten them and they do not mean to be so possessive, but it happens so frequently, even with well-intentioned, mature people, that it seems to work out best to respect this need until the new family feels more secure. Even though you do respect this, you will want to have some word about the child, so you should feel free to request information from the agency. When the placement is more secure, your worker may encourage the family to contact and perhaps visit you. By then you will be able to look at the situation with clearer perspective. You will feel good knowing you have done all that was possible to provide your child with a permanent family.

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