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CHAPTER SEVEN

KEEPING THE BABY

     Deciding to keep a baby forces you to make up your mind right away about some things. How will you keep on with school? How much schooling is enough? Should you get married? Should you try to work? What kind of job can you get or do you want? Where and how will you live? With your parents? With the parents of the baby's father? Do they want you?

Whatever age you are, becoming a parent changes every part of your life. When you are under eighteen, the changes have a bigger effect on the rest of your life.

While you are trying to decide whether to keep the baby, other people may try to make up your mind for you. But the decision has to be yours alone. If you remain a single parent, most of the work and responsibility for the child will be yours.

     The first person a young woman usually turns to if she decides to keep her baby is her own mother. If your mother agrees to this arrangement, you need to find ways to lessen the strain on her and the rest of the family. One way is to take on a greater share of the housework to make up for the added work of the baby. But suppose your mother wants a life of her own? Suppose she says, as many mothers say I've raised my own children and I don't intend to start all over again with yours. What then? And if your parents both work, you may not have the choice of family care for your child.

If you are living apart from your family, or if you have no family, you will need babysitting while you are at school or work and at least some of the time when you are not working.

Many communities have day nurseries or day-care centers. Many are run like any profit-making business, but at some, parents are allowed to pay what they can afford. To find a place like this, you can look in the yellow pages under Day Nurseries and Child Care. You can also call your local churches and synagogues, which often have centers of their own. The Social Services Department in your area may be able to help you find low-cost day care.

Since nurseries and day-care centers are not all the same, the best way to know whether one is good enough for your child is to check it out yourself. Visit during the day when the children are there. Do you feel comfortable? Do you like the people in charge? Is it clean? Do the babies look healthy and well taken care of? Is there a safe play area? In some states day nurseries have to be licensed. Although licensing is no guarantee of quality, it is a positive sign.

If you can't afford this kind of care, you might be able to find someone who is at home with a small child herself. You might be able to trade your housecleaning or cooking for her babysitting or your sitting nights and weekends for her weekdays.

If you are under sixteen and your parents don't want you living at home with the baby, your parents can tell a social service agency and the agency might find a foster home for you and your child together.

     If you are under sixteen, your parents are still legally responsible for you but not for your child. If you are over sixteen, you might become an emancipated minor. The laws about this are different in different states, so you should check with your social worker or lawyer. You might have to prove that your parents are unable or unwilling to keep you, that you have a job or are getting schooling that will give you skills to earn a living, and that you are mature and reliable enough to make it as a single parent. To avoid trouble, be sure you know exactly what the law is where you live.

If you are determined to try to raise the baby alone, you might want to look into housekeeping or companion jobs that include room and board. Or you might be able to share an apartment or house with another woman or group of single parents.

If you are sure you want to keep the baby and have no family help, you should go to the Social Services Department where you live for help. If you do get welfare, be prepared for questions about every part of your life: where you are living, with whom, how much and what do you feed the baby, and so on. Nothing is private.

     Most young women who get pregnant before finishing high school don't ever finish. Young fathers-to-be also leave school to go to work to support their babies, but they don't leave as often as young nothers do. A young woman who decides to keep her baby and wants to keep on with her schooling needs a lot of determination and energy.

Arranging for your return before you leave makes going back to school easier. You can also see your guidance counselor about going back or about continuation school, adult education classes, or a high school equivalency diploma.

A continuation school is for students who have dropped out of school to go to work. The classes meet after work. Adult education classes usually do not give high school credit, but they do offer practical courses that can help you earn a living. You may be able to get a high school equivalency diploma without going to school. Some people get enough from books to pass the test. Other people can do it with the help of friends, neighbors, or teachers.

     If you are still in school, supporting yourself probably won't be possible, but you should be able to contribute to expenses. Before looking for any kind of a job, see your school guidance counselor to find out how child labor laws and the laws about compulsory education affect you.

There are many ways of finding a job besides the help wanted ads. Ask friends and relatives if there is a job where they work or if they know of a place that needs someone with your skills. Your school guidance counselor may have job listings. Or you can go to a state or private employment agency. Some people find jobs by going into small stores and asking if they need help. Restaurants, gas stations, and small businesses of every kind may be able to find work for you if you show up and ask.

     It is possible to raise a healthy child and keep on with your own growth and development when you get pregnant under eighteen, but it takes a lot of planning.

You will need to know things that help you manage your own life. For example, regardless of what you have decided to do about this pregnancy, you will want to know how to avoid another unplanned one. A woman who is pregnant for the first time in her teens is likely to have another unplanned pregnancy before she reaches twenty. When this happens, getting the schooling she needs is even harder. Be sure to talk with your doctor or clinic worker about birth control.

Before deciding to have the baby and keep it, you need to think carefully about how you will manage if you do, and what this big change in your life will mean.