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CHAPTER EIGHT

SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

     Young people can and do make good marriages, just as they can and do make good parents, but they do it against higher odds. When the partners are still in their teens, divorce rates are higher.

If you are thinking of marrying someone, you want to feel sure you are both ready. But how do you know? The truth is, you never know for sure. Marriage is a risk no matter how old or mature you are. But there are some questions you can ask and things you can look for that may show the odds are in your favor.

Deciding to marry is really two questions. First, are you ready for marriage? and second, are you ready to marry each other?

Begin with, do you love one another? If you are sure you don't love him or he doesn't love you or if you haven't quite decided about your feelings, then marriage is probably not a good idea. Even if you are sure you care deeply for one another, getting married is not always the wisest move.

Getting married and making a family for a child means you will have to support yourselves. In most families both the father and mother work. It is possible to support yourself and the baby on your own, but it will probably not be easy.

One or both of you may not have graduated from high school yet. While there are jobs around that don't require a high school diploma, these usually don't pay very well and have very little future. Can you work out living arrangements so that you can share child care and housekeeping while you finish school and get some kind of job training? If you decide to do this in shifts - one person at work or at home while the other is at school - make sure you both feel this is fair and understand how long it will last. Some careers take lots of schooling. Marrying young may not close any doors for you, but it is likely to make them harder to open.

If your family or his offers to let you live with them, think about how well this will work. How well do you get along with the family now? Will you have any privacy? Will you be treated like a married couple with a child or like a child with a visiting friend and baby? Is the arrangement fair to the family? Is it fair to the person who will be taking care of the child while you are at school or work? Can you offer any money or work now or in the future in exchange for housing and meals? If so, does it cover your cost to the family? And if not, how will this affect your relationship with the family? Will you always feel you have to say yes to them, to do what they want you to do, when they want you to do it? Will this be a strain on your marriage? Is there any better living arrangement? These are all things you will want to talk about honestly before you get married and before you move in with your family or his.

What about the man you are thinking about marrying? Does he treat you with respect? Does he try to please you, think about your feelings, and get along with your family and his friends? Does he talk about his feelings? Can you disagree with him in a healthy way: without temper tantrums or shouting matches or physically hurting one another? Someone who hurts you or makes you unhappy before marriage is likely to keep on doing so after marriage. If either of you has a problem with alcohol, drugs, gambling, promising to change if you get married is a promise you may not be able to keep.

Use your imagination. Can you see yourself sleeping every night with this person, eating all your meals together, and sharing everything you have? Is this person your best friend now - or would you rather share your deepest feelings with someone else? Do you put each other down to people, or do you stick up for each other?

Are you and he ready to settle down? Are you ready to give up the independence you have now? How would a husband or wife and a child fit in with your current social life? Are you willing to give up this kind of fun? Or do you feel you havn't begun to be single yet? If so, then marriage is probably not for you.

     A young father may feel guilty about getting a woman pregnant. Her decision to have the child may increase his guilt over what happened. He may fear that he has ruined her life. Unfortunately, he cannot turn back the clock. Since he cannot force to to have or not have the baby, what can he do?

If the woman chooses abortion, he can offer to pay for it or share the cost. He can go with her to the clinic or hospital and give her emotional support before and after the abortion. How much he wants to do and can do depends upon his individual situation, his relationship with the young woman now, and what the couple and perhaps the families decide is right.

If the woman chooses adoption and he has agreed that he is the father, he can go with her to the adoption counseling sessions. If he does not agree to the adoption, he can come up with another plan for the baby, which might be adopting the child himself or having his family adopt it.

If the woman chooses to have the baby, he must decide for himself what is truly fair to the woman, the child, and himself. A lot depends on his relationship with the woman now. It may also depend on their families, their financial situation, beliefs and expectations, and willingness to help out. If the pregnancy is a mistake and the relationship has cooled, marriage is probably a bad choice. Perhaps he can be a father to the child without getting married. He should remember that fatherhood and marriage can be two separate steps, just as motherhood and marriage can be; one does not necessarily mean the other must follow.

For a young man confused about his choices, a talk with a school counselor, marriage counselor, or other trusted adult can help. Wanting to be responsible is good. However, he should base his actions on reality and not wishes and dreams about making something right again. In the end, there may be no really fair solution.

     Why should it be any harder to make a success of an early marriage than a later one? In our society men and women under eighteen are usually considered to be halfway between childhood and adulthood. Our laws, school system, and job training programs usually assume that parents will take care of and be responsible for children until they are twenty-one. As a result, men and women under eighteen usually have not had a chance to live on their own, test themselves as adults, and become independent of their families. The person you are now may not be the same person you will be ten years from now; your opinions, feelings, and goals may be vastly different. In any marriage people change, but by marrying young you increase the chances that you grow in a different direction from your partner.

You will have to decide for yourself whether you are mature enough and are willing to take on the difficulties of an early marriage before you commit yourself to both marriage and a baby. No one can force you to choose both or either. Whatever you decide, remember that marriage is a beg step. Whether it lasts for ten months, ten years, or a lifetime, it will deeply affect both your lives and your child's life.